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I remember being an Ice Queen, being cool and aloof is boring and overrated. Two decades ago I was numb, young and lost- here's how the moment went down...
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. ... Proverbs 15:1
Fear ever-percolated, and when too much, became double shot bravado.
I depended on my muscular body for encouragement and comfort; ‘it’ never let me down.
Leanness and self control were my superpower, alcohol, my arch enemy.
Patrolling the city, cat-like, I’d ensnare potential prey with sexual energy, having their full attention visually
what I needed.
Needy, yet terrified by what true intimacy entailed.
Melting, merging converging.
Wild at heart, 'not going there,' I vowed.
Strolling under a speckled canopy expanding and warm I sensed a highway worker gazing too long and struck him with, “WHAT are you looking at!?”
Feeling him retract from assault, he shakily responded, “You’re so beautiful.”
His tenderness disarmed and reached into my icy heart.
Swiping at the web of life and energetically breaking its structure, I wished myself invisible.
Humans needed to stay away for me to feel okay.
‘From a distance, ‘that old Bette Midler song echoed, which I believed kept me safe.
It’s been twenty years now as I recall the young man’s response, and cringe.
His powerful gentleness had cut through my rigid exoskeleton.
I needed protection, yet gentleness I mistrusted.
Reject them… first.
Humans naturally relate life experiences back to themselves. Children take everything personally.
They believe they're the cause of others feelings which makes them vulnerable.
Without self -worth, I was like tree pollen, free-floating potential without soil to grow.
My being strained to know, “Who am I, really?”
Einstein asked what may be the most important question of all:
Is the Universe a friendly place or not?
Firstly.....LOVE THAT PHRASE ON ANXIETY.....
This blog...yet so sad to hear...brings to life the realization of things that are so awfully prevalent in today's world....as well as back when it all began for you.
This makes me love and admire your bravery and commitment even more than I already do....
And ... has confirmed that maybe you were brought into my life to add strength and healing to my wounds...which are similar in ways to yours...
You are so strong and brave and beautiful...and sharing this vulnerability of your self...though tough I am sure...will access so many souls and turn journeys of self loathing and self doubt....into journeys of self deliverance...journeys of healing...and journeys toward our ultimate Savior....
You truly do inspire me...in so many little ways...every time I think of you....and in so many big ways...as your bravery and your kind heartedness always shines through....
My every thought ....every day to myself....is...
Be the Light....
I think that best describes you...as you are that to others....
Love you my dear...
I AM NOW EVEN MORE EXCITED FOR YOUR BOOK....
Please add me to your list of people to read your blog....you have me...always....
Sometimes we lose touch with who we are, what we feel, love or care about. Life temporarily corrupting, interrupting the good, and yet it still remains.. underneath every thing.
An ongoing treasure hunt, keep digging!
As I revisit the riches of my past and pull out writings and remembrances, I'm immensely thankful for the distance I enjoy from it. I suffered for years from emotional triggers (only rarely now!) For those in the middle, slugging it out...it gets better. Hardly seems the same life. I'm a different person.