Exciting news coming July 2019! Will be soon published in on-line magazine as I approach books completion!!
I remember being emotionally distant, mid-twenties numb and lost. Being who we are is rewarding, savor and enjoy its bitter-sweetness process. Here`s an aha moment:
Fear ever-percolated, and when too much, became double shot bravado.
I depended on my muscular body for encouragement and comfort; ‘it’ never let me down.
Leanness and self control were my superpower; alcohol, my arch enemy.
Patrolling the city, cat-like, I’d ensnare potential prey with sexual energy.
Capturing male eyes, what I needed.
Needy, yet terrified by what true intimacy entailed.
Melting, merging converging.
Wild at heart, 'not going there,' I vowed.
Strolling under a speckled emerald canopy expanding and warm
I sensed a highway worker gazing too long and struck him with,
“What are you looking at!?”
Feeling him retract from my verbal assault,
his voice shook quietly, “You’re so beautiful...”
His tenderness disarmed as he reached into my icy heart and came up empty.
Swiping at the web of life and energetically breaking its structure,
After greedily receiving enough 'views'
I'd wish myself invisible longing for shaman-power
The attention flipped to a perception of pressure
A raw nerve
Keeping humans arm length made them tolerable;
I circled life's perimeter- an outcast animal.
‘From a distance, that old Bette Midler song echoed
I believed alone meant safe
***Wisdom's informed me the opposite is true. I need people. The right people***
It’s been twenty years. As I recall this young man, I cringe at my harshness.
His powerful gentleness had cut through my rigid exoskeleton.
I needed protection, yet mistrusted gentleness. Foreign.
Reject them… first before the inevitable came.
Once they 'knew me' that would be that (my deepest fear to truly 'be seen.')
My sexy girl persona, my mask.
Humans interpret life through the filter of their being and belief system.
Children take everything personally - a function of their cognitive capacity
In error, often believing they cause people's feelings
We adults must be vigilant in our treatment of kids.
Our actions imprint.
Assisting in the formation of life giving or destroying beliefs
Without self -worth, I was like tree pollen, free-floating potential without soil to grow.
My being straining, longing for belonging.
Never asking, “Who am I, really?”
Whose am I; even more important.
Einstein asked what may be the most important question of all:
Is the Universe a friendly place or not?
Firstly.....LOVE THAT PHRASE ON ANXIETY.....
This blog...yet so sad to hear...brings to life the realization of things that are so awfully prevalent in today's world....as well as back when it all began for you.
This makes me love and admire your bravery and commitment even more than I already do....
And ... has confirmed that maybe you were brought into my life to add strength and healing to my wounds...which are similar in ways to yours...
You are so strong and brave and beautiful...and sharing this vulnerability of your self...though tough I am sure...will access so many souls and turn journeys of self loathing and self doubt....into journeys of self deliverance...journeys of healing...and journeys toward our ultimate Savior....
You truly do inspire me...in so many little ways...every time I think of you....and in so many big ways...as your bravery and your kind heartedness always shines through....
My every thought ....every day to myself....is...
Be the Light....
I think that best describes you...as you are that to others....
Love you my dear...
I AM NOW EVEN MORE EXCITED FOR YOUR BOOK....
Please add me to your list of people to read your blog....you have me...always....
Sometimes we lose touch with who we are, what we feel, love or care about.
Life temporarily corrupts. Interrupts what is good, and yet it still remains
.. underneath every thing.
Life's an ongoing treasure hunt, keep digging!
Revisiting the riches and poverty of my past, pulling out writing remembrances I'm thankful for the distance I enjoy from emotional triggers and pain that followed like a shadow.
For those still slugging it out...it gets better.
Hardly seems the same life, I'm a different person.