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My Blog

Prophetic poetry, healing, sobriety & joy

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Ponderings & Rants

 I remember being an Ice Queen, being cool and aloof is boring and overrated. Two decades ago I was numb, young and lost- here's how the moment went down...


  

Ice Queen

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. ... Proverbs 15:1


Fear ever-percolated, and when too much, became double shot bravado.

I depended on my muscular body for encouragement and comfort; ‘it’ never let me down.

Leanness and self control were my superpower, alcohol, my arch enemy.

Patrolling the city, cat-like, I’d ensnare potential prey with sexual energy, having their full attention visually 

what I needed.


Needy, yet terrified by what true intimacy entailed. 

Melting, merging converging.

Wild at heart, 'not going there,' I vowed.


Strolling under a speckled canopy expanding and warm I sensed a highway worker gazing too long and struck him with, “WHAT are you looking at!?”

Feeling him retract from assault, he shakily responded, “You’re so beautiful.”


His tenderness disarmed and reached into my icy heart.

Swiping at the web of life and energetically breaking its structure, I wished myself invisible.

Humans needed to stay away for me to feel okay. 

Be. 

Ok.


‘From a distance, ‘that old Bette Midler song echoed, which I believed kept me safe.

It’s been twenty years now as I recall the young man’s response, and cringe. 


His powerful gentleness had cut through my rigid exoskeleton.  


I needed protection, yet gentleness I mistrusted. 

Reject them… first.


Humans naturally relate life experiences back to themselves. Children take everything personally. 

They believe they're the cause of others feelings which makes them vulnerable.


Without self -worth, I was like tree pollen, free-floating potential without soil to grow.

My being strained to know, “Who am I, really?”


Einstein asked what may be the most important question of all:

Is the Universe a friendly place or not?



Find out more

Real testimonial (s)

Nat....

Firstly.....LOVE THAT PHRASE ON ANXIETY.....

This blog...yet so sad to hear...brings to life the realization of things that are so awfully prevalent in today's world....as well as back when  it all began for you.

This makes me love and admire your bravery and commitment even more than I already do.... 

And  ... has confirmed that maybe you were brought into my life to add  strength and healing to my wounds...which are similar in ways to  yours...

You are so  strong and brave and beautiful...and sharing this vulnerability of your self...though tough I am sure...will access so many souls and turn  journeys of self loathing and self doubt....into journeys of self  deliverance...journeys of healing...and journeys toward our ultimate  Savior....

You truly do inspire me...in so many little ways...every time I think of you....and in  so many big ways...as your bravery and your kind heartedness always  shines through....

My every thought ....every day to myself....is...

Be the Light.... 

I think that best describes you...as you are that to others....

Love you my dear...

I AM NOW EVEN MORE EXCITED FOR YOUR BOOK....

Please add me to your list of people to read your blog....you have me...always....

Nic

Chaos and Confusion often precede Change, it's Normal

Sometimes we lose touch with who we are, what we feel, love or care about. 

Life temporarily corrupts. Interrupts what is good, and yet it still remains

.. underneath every thing.

 Life's an ongoing treasure hunt, keep digging! 

Revisiting the riches and poverty of my past, pulling out writings and remembrances, I'm thankful for the distance I now enjoy. I suffered for years from emotional triggers and pain that followed me like a shadow.

For those still slugging it out...it gets better.

It hardly seems the same life, I'm a different person, thank God!